The Bonkers World of Beauty: 50 Shades of Self Tanning

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Have you ever ogled your tanned vacation-body and wished you could be that shade all year round? Have you ever spotted a golden goddess at the beach and thought why the duck can’t I have a body like that as you sulk on your floating pink flamingo and weep into your wine? Or maybe you are tired of being snow white and would like to try self tanning but want to avoid a resemblance to a waddling carrot.

Well, my little coconut, whatever the reason you are seeking a healthy glow, you have to admit, it is so damn funny! And don’t get mad at golden goddess, she is most likely ogling you for having the audacity to sip wine at 11am and be a joyful rebel, even if your obligatory luminous pink companion is in much need of inflating.

Whether you are a pale Polly in search of la peau bronzage, or an English rose wanting a 6 month vacation twice a year and a 007 to apply the sun lotion, welcome to No 3 in the 11-part mini series: The Bonkers World of Beauty. (PS New posts coming soon including the For the Love of Lingerie and To Heck with High Heels. Let’s dive in…

You have to admit, my little crumpet, tanning just makes people feel sexy! And, even if the once or twice a year vacation has the body scrub on overtime, the waxing salon on speed dial and the lotions and potions at full capacity. Oh and lets not forget to mention the dulcet tones of ouch, ouch, ouch as salon staff pluck every visible hair out from the depths, and all in the name of beauty.

And in your quest to keep up with the JLO’s of this world, why do you do it??? Because you want to feel good! PS A little secret…a gelato will do the same! Minus any OUCH. LOL! A slight tease in this narrative!

But, a million USD look? Heck yes!! Tanning makes you feel just that little bit better about life. And not to mention, the extra teeth whitening effect that has you smiling like a squirrel in a nut factory.

Move Over St Tropez, there’s a new girl in town

You see, all that pre-vacay beautifying takes time. All in the name of a tan. Yes that dark tan you spent weeks preparing for and not to mention hours of motionless sunbathing like a piece of breaded fish on the way to frying. All this, my little cupcake when you could have hiked up a mountain like an eager ass Heidi. Or eaten your way through a years supply of gelato made with love by an hot Italiano. Or sipped champagne while gazing at a sexy Latino waiter who happens to adore a snow white. Yes, you will be back to covering that body up as soon as the flight touches down and nobody will see your hard earned efforts.

But SELF TANNING? Hallle-flipping-lujah! Thank you genius inventor of such a mood boosting product. That smart business type who saw an opportunity! They want a tan, he proclaimed? And a tan is what they’ll get. And when you get your mits on a bottle of St Tropez self tanning lotion, you are just so happy to throw that snow white title in the trash can. You couldn’t care less if you looked like a space hopper on steroids! You are just so happy to be tanned even if the glow could be seen from Nasa.

Nonetheless, things advance. Gone are the days when self tanning meant:

  1. a scent that lingered for days which not even your favorite perfume could cover up
  2. bed sheets that turned into a vast hue of tangerine
  3. the palms of your hands were in a world of their own LOL taking tanning to new heights albeit they didn’t match the rest of you!

And what a long we have come, my little strawberry shortcake!!! Today’s self tan has you feeling more Bardot than badass, more Hepburn than sunburn and more JLO than No No!

Today’s self tanning?

You see tanning means vacation, it means beach time, and it means a sexy body! It also means Hawaiian Tropic Sun Tan Lotion, sun hat and flip flops. AKA FREEDOM!

And today, sweetie, you don’t even have to leave the sofa! You can chill back with a glass of wine while watching your favorite Netflix series, and mousse up those arms! BUT be careful on the vino, you don’t want to fall asleep and have that mousse make you look like carrot puree in a fight with a hedgehog.

That self tanning does it all for you without needing to frequent any far flung destinations. And you don’t have to try smothering your self in the finest olive oil and lay baking in the garden, even in sub zero temperatures! Heck, put on some aviators, pour yourself a mojito and rumba around the dining table. YOU ARE NOW A GOLDEN GODDESS!

Self tanning guide

Today, cutie pie, you can be self tanning in between zoom calls! But you may get some strange looks from the office that you began the day white. And not only that, you have become the talk of the office coffee machine not to mention canteen gossip!

Why not go and tan that ass by the sea! It will save you all the hassle and not a space hooper in sight. You can blend in with the jet set and abandon that white, red and back to white, save the olive oil for a nice salad and the gloves for winter time. And don’t go buying Cosmo! Golden goddess is lurking in the pages. So, slam it shut and avoid Baywatch repeats.

A few words of advice…

A few un, deux, trois…repeat after me (happy tunes optional)

  • I’m a tanned, sexy beast and don’t let me forget it
  • My body is a beauty magnet which deserves respect
  • This bundle of pink flesh may be white 50 weeks of the year but am a golden goddess inside
  • I don’t care if they neighbors think am bonkers, I look fabulous in tangerine
  • I am manifesting an international jet-set lifestyle, soon, I’ll be tanned all year round.


Happy flippin’ vacay! You deserve it, my little coconut!

Until next time, XO!

PS If you enjoyed this beauty post, make sure to catch No. 1 & 2 linked below:

The Bonkers World of Beauty: Lipstick & Logic

The Bonkers World of Beauty: A Body Like JLO?

And if you want to cosy up on the sofa with a good book and feel just that little bit happier about life, pop to the bookshop! What Would Carrie Do is my new Bridget Jones style comedy and a guaranteed dose of the happy vibes! Click here.

If you’d love to learn how to plan your very first solo travel adventure, click here on Solo Travel Masterclass (launching in the Spring).

If You Like The Post, Also Check Out:

How To Be Your Own Emily In Paris

Traveling Alone: Top Tips From A Solo Travel Expert

Is Solo Travel Lonely? No. Here’s Why

The Secret Comedy Of The Airport Lounge

The Secret Life Of The Office Coffee Machine

And A ‘Wanderful’ Link…

How To Travel Alone And Love It – Vogue

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hi, i'm kirsteen

Your new BFF & Travel Coach.

I'm an ex-Corporate girl who gave up a very successful career in the UK for a dream life traveling alone. Why solo? To do what I wanted,  where I wanted, and when I wanted. That was 15 years ago when I left with nothing more than a suitcase and an incessant desire to be happy. I've never looked back...


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