Beauty, my little cupcake, can be totally, and utterly bonkers! Do you ever stand in front of the mirror and think, I want to look like JLO, Universe, and while we are at it, can I have the same closet and bank balance, pweez pweez pweez? Have you ever spotted a wrinkle and thought WTF did you come from, you weren’t there last night when I last looked? Have you ever smothered on the latest anti-cellulite wonder cream and yelled ”dissolve you MF”, as you sulk and reach for the Kleenex thinking the Universe must be out to lunch???
Well, the good news is:
1. you’re not alone,
2. the economy is behind most beauty beliefs (and fallacies)
and most amusingly…
3. nobody even cares what anyone else looks like LOL!
Whether you are an Italian signorina soaking in a bathtub of the finest Tuscan olive oil to the dulcet tones of bellissima, piccolina, or a French Mademoiselle declaring an oh la la, Coco, j’adore to Chanel’s latest eye cream creations, or a quintessentially English Bridget Jones in eye mask and heated rollers (big pants optional) sipping her tenth well deserved glass of wine, the bonkers world of beauty is GLOBAL!
Welcome to No 2 in the 11-part mini series: The Bonkers World of Beauty with monthly posts coming soon including the hilarious 50 Shades Of Self Tanning, For the Love of Lingerie and To Heck with High Heels. Let’s dive in…
Before jumping into a bathtub of olive oil, or taking out a small loan to pay for a year’s supply of Coco’s finest, well done, my little tiramisu! Pat yourself on the back! You weren’t schooled on the art of ‘not giving a f”k’, or how to dose yourself in a bathtub of self love! And you certainly hadn’t been given the driver’s manual on how to treat that miraculous bubbly mass of pink flesh with TLC instead of an old punching bag.
But, heh, girlfriend, it’s never too late!!! You can manifest ANYTHING you want. Help is on the way!
And how? Well, all thanks to Bertie!
INTRODUCING BERTIE
So, how do you get out of this nonsense incessant self criticism, you may be asking? Why is it important in the first place? Well, you may not realise but ‘Bertie Brain’ is listening to you like a loyal servant acting on your every word. (LITERALLY). Think of it like an over excited puppy!!! There are times when you love running alongside having fun. And others when he is racing around the park like a child on a sugar fest and you have no way to catch him.
You see, you are one walking TV, transmitting and receiving signals all day every day. Like a radio station, to hear the music on Beauty FM, you have to tune into beauty. The music is playing 24/7 and you just haven’t been tuning in. Let me explain…
Firstly, when you say ‘I hate being fat’, you are actually saying to Bertie, bring me some more. When you say my ass is huge, Bertie is already sending instructions to your cells to say ‘expand and fill up the tank, boys’. When you get mad at the stray wrinkle that appeared in the middle of the night, you have sent Bertie a sms to gather up the troops and begin digging out the trenches in that beautiful skin. Like a giant photocopier in the sky, what you focus on, you attract! Isn’t it logical to send Bertie a shopping list of WANTED! There is nothing you can’t manifest, including a body like JLO. You cannot manifest the rain when you are focused on the drought. So, fill up on positive self chat!
How To Turn Bertie Into Your Best Friend
Firstly, the D word! And by that, I mean DISCIPLINE. That puppy needs training. Be nice to Bertie, he is on your side, my little toasted bagel! Now, thank him for getting you out of bed today and carrying you to the Nespresso machine, (even if George wasn’t there to roast the coffee beans!). Compliment Bertie for turning on those taste buds even if George wasn’t there to dip soldiers into your soft boiled egg and spoon feed you. Thank Bertie for changing the remote control button on the sofa last night even if George wasn’t there to share on yet another Netflix series.
You see, Bertie is like a loyal servant simply acting on your wishes. The problem is not Bertie but the source of instructions, it is you. That conditioning acts out of habit, and some of those habits are worth kicking into orbit. You see magic Bertie does whatever you tell him.
A body like JLO?
Bertie makes a huge difference the happier you are. In addition, he whizzes around the body like a pro! Instead of instructing the trench builders to add a few deep lines, he has them filling in the cracks. When all is said and done, all you have to do is stop looking in the mirror a little while and get happy. Not convinced? Well, have you ever seen the remarkable transformation on the face of someone who falls in love???
Now is it any wonder that JLO looks phenomenal? Want a body like JLO? Well, visualise it, believe it, feel it into being and be satisfied with the one you have today. You cannot manifest from the feeling of dissatisfaction. Give more attention to the body you desire than the one you have.
A few tips from Bertie:
A few ideas…un, deux, trois…repeat after me (happy tunes optional)
- I’m a sexy beast and don’t let me forget it
- My body is one powerful chemical factory that deserves respect
- This bundle of flesh has carried me millions of miles without one word of complaint
- This stomach never stops processing yummy pleasures and never stops for a second to say WTF did you eat that millionth cupcake
- I am a magnet to bliss and all things wonderful in this life. And, Bertie, have George bring my coffee in bed tomorrow (at least in my imagination)
- I love how you process my food, and ten glasses of wine without flinching
- I love how you take me dancing and keep my vertical when glass eleven gets the better of me
Conclusion
There we have it, my little pickle! You see, Bertie is that loyal servant you most likely had no idea was there to assist. He floats about ready to serve declaring in his sweet way, what can I do for you?. He has been with you a life time and will do exactly what you ask! A persistent little pumpkin!
Until next time, my little cupcake XO!
PS If you enjoyed this beauty series post, make sure to catch No. 1 linked below:
The Bonkers World of Beauty: Lipstick & Logic
And if you want to cosy up on the sofa with a good book and feel just that little bit happier about life, pop to the bookshop! What Would Carrie Do is my new Bridget Jones style comedy and a guaranteed dose of the happy vibes! Click here.
If you’d love to learn how to plan your very first solo travel adventure, click here on Solo Travel Masterclass (launching in the Spring).
If You Like The Post, Also Check Out:
How To Be Your Own Emily In Paris
Traveling Alone: Top Tips From A Solo Travel Expert
Is Solo Travel Lonely? No. Here’s Why
The Secret Comedy Of The Airport Lounge
The Secret Life Of The Office Coffee Machine
And A ‘Wanderful’ Link…
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