Have you ever been shopping with a man who has as much interest in what you are buying as a hippo has with Spandex? Have you ever been shopping with said man and all he can muster is ‘yes dear, that looks lovely’ on incessant repeat as he attempts to deflect boredom? Or you asked him for advice while trying on a party dress and he shows as much excitement as a NFA footballer at a ballet concert?
Well, my little cupcake, never fret! Give in, give up and breath deeply! Men and women’s shopping are as compatible as a snowball face to face with a blow torch? And lets face it, resistance is so damn futile!
In my love of observation no matter where I am in the world, the comedy of men and women shopping is global. There is one place guaranteed to make me smile…fitting rooms.
One of the huge benefits of solo traveling, or a solo lifestyle is doing what you damn well please. And without any compromise on any shopping day. And when you are laden with those adorable shopping bags, a cute smile can lure any willing passersby eager to assist happy bag lady! LOL!
In years of navigating many beautiful places, I have to admit, I do exactly what men do. Take the easy route! In and out of a shop at lightning speed!
New Sofa darling?
Now, if you wake up one day and tell him you want a new sofa, he can be strangely enthusiastic. Oh Yes Dear he mutters even though he is already visualising himself horizontal the second you head out on your weekly girls’ lunch. An AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH slips over his lips. Oops, he shouts as he covers his mouth on the off chance you may have heard him and decide to come back to keep him company and him very much wanting to be alone. He sits up straight looking bored intentionally as you pop back to ask if he wants you to stay. Oh, you go honey, you deserve it. Besides I am only going to wash the car and do some gardening.
As you wave goodbye, and give him a quick kiss. he commando styles across the carpet to the window, lipstick still on forehead, as he checks to make sure you are away. And an even bigger sigh of ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bursts out of his lips and he jumps up and down in glee. Sofa time, sport and a box of beer that was meant for the month. Slippers off, feet up, potato chips placed at arms reach and remote control at the ready. Pizza in oven. Happy days, he sighs! And one last addition, he mutes his phone, fist pumps he is in for a fabulous day and calculates just how much time he requires to hide all evidence and a dash to the bathroom for a quick swirl of mouthwash!
You see, he just isn’t interested!
Mission All is Possible: Food Shopping
Now Saturday morning food shop is a whole new comedy show! For one, it depends on who is doing it:
Man: car, drive, park, trolley, whiz around the supermarket aisles A to Z, check out, car, drive home = 60 minutes (and a huge smug look on his face he got a past the sell by date pizza on 70% off!)
Woman: lipstick, which handbag would look nice, car, drive, notices a 20% sale on the way and stops for a look, back to car, drive, park, trolley, whiz, A to B to C and back to A (she forgot to weigh the vegetables) to C to Z and back to A (she wants more salad when she sees a skinny lady in front with a booty she’d love) to Z, check out, picks up some chocolate on ‘Buy One, Get One Free’, as skinny beaatch is looming behind, puts chocolate back, 60 seconds pass, f”k it, she shouts, give me the damn chocolate.
And to top it off, trolley, lipstick, hides chocolate, car she can’t remember where she parked the car having been sideline by skinny lady, drive home in a bad mood she has to eat salad = 3 hours and 26 minutes (oh and an extra 3 minutes while she screams in the car that she’s forgot the milk!).
Shopping, Men and fitting rooms
It doesn’t matter who you are or where. Taking men shopping is futile.
They just don’t care. Have you ever seen a man walking around a store with his wife 10 feet behind? He can only process one thing at a time. And it takes all his effort to focus on the right answer to questions like ‘do you like this honey or does my butt look too big in these jeans or should I buy it?’. Clearly he’d prefer to be on his sofa with the remote control in peace and silence without any chit chat of ‘are you sure you like it’? Yes I do. Are you sure? Yes, I do. Oh are you really sure? Yes, FFS, I do. Now, can we leave, I’ve been sat here for 40 minutes’!
And men, FYI all she wants is you to say she looks beautiful. But ladies, he doesn’t care. He is hallucinating a BBQ or his escape to the garden shed when he gets home and you try it all on again asking his opinion for the 10th time, and he has to shout I’ve already told you what I think. And off she storms back to the bedroom mirror and thinks her booty looks too big and decided to take it back next Saturday just to do a repeat of it all again.
Well, when he wants to buy clothes, he goes straight in with laser focus, ah the simple man that he is!
Men: top blue size checkout. One thing into the changing rooms.
Women: which top, sleeve length, blue pink, sparkles, size small (she’s optimistic), changing room, man sit wait, checkout, picks up an unneccesary gift on route. Sees something else and puts the mountain of clothes in man’s arms and goes back to try on another top despite 40 minutes in fitting room. Checkout. Keep receipt. Man pays, woman smiles, ‘that was fun’!
Man drives home, jumps on sofa, pours a well deserved drink. Women shouts ‘what do you think of my new top?’ Man mutters ”oh FFS, give me strength!”
Man runs to garden shed.
But you know something?
Men v women shopping habits are global!
Spare a thought for Italian wifey, husband is on his way to a 3 hour lunch with his mates, so he couldn’t care if she looked like Cindy Crawford. Food is his priority.
And the French man? He’ll ‘oh la la’s’ and tell her she looks beautiful (so as not to get beaten over the head with stale baguette!
And the English man? Well he really doesn’t care, he has retreated to the garden shed with his cheese and pickle sandwich, his beer and a picnic blanket! He’d soooooo prefer to freeze his ass off than to get into a useless dispute on whether her booty looks too big in that dress. One thing he will never win.
Well, my little croissant, if all else fails, opt for divorce, pack your bags and head off on your solo travels. And smile every time you see a man outside the fitting rooms…you’ve never had it so good!
And if you want to feel just that little bit more in love with life, pop to the bookshop! What Would Carrie Do is my new Bridget Jones style comedy and a guaranteed dose of the happy vibes! Click here.
Until next time, my little cupcake XO!
PS check out last month’s post:
If you’d love to learn how to plan your very first solo travel adventure, click here on Solo Travel Masterclass (launching in the Spring).
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