A man’s closet, you may be asking? Do men actually have a closet, you may be laughing? Can men and closets be in the same sentence, you may be pondering? LOL! Well, where do I begin, my little pumpkin!
Have you ever watched a house renovation series on TV and felt sorry for the husband whose wife has taken over 97% of a brand spanking new, luxurious and spacious closet (which he paid for BTW)? Have you ever found yourself thinking she’ll be encroaching his 3% in less than a few weeks and gift him the space of a shoe box. And do you laugh at the colour choice of men’s clothing: light blue, dark blue and 100 shades of anything in between, (unless he is Italian who at least has matching sunglasses)!
As colourful as last night’s dishwater and which has you thinking, ‘thank goodness I’m a woman’’. Welcome, my little cupcake to the secret comedy of man’s closet. And just how funny life is!
As you may have guessed, if you are a regular to Be Wanderful Solo Travel Blog, I love to mix things up around here! One of my favorite things to do while solo traveling is observe the comedy of life that exists no matter where I am in the world. From one corner of the globe to the next, whether in an airport lounge, a cute café, or waltzing around some quiet street looking for a lovely lunch spot, I find comedy everywhere.
Now, I would pre-empt any closet mutiny around here by adding I love how funny men can be! And especially in the two by two format I wrote about on BBQ’s LOL. (Why Women Shouldn’t Come Between A Man and His BBQ).
So where do I begin in this iconic narrative? Well, for any men reading this post, you will certainly feel am on your side LOL. For one I see the HUGE benefit of minimalism. And two, she has to dust the shoes!
A man’s point of view…
You see, men are simple creatures. To them, it’s a yes, or no. It is black or white. It is stop or go. But when a woman joins the party, it is a maybe yes, maybe not, it is a black and white stripes and polka dots and a 50 shades of grey, and it is a lets go but lets stop on the way a million times.
As a woman, I LOVE the way men think. Easy, light and not taking life too seriously. And believe me, I’ve been known, albeit rarely, to be go stop go with a 100 tours of a roundabout myself. But today, I navigate like a pro. The path of most allowance, the path of least resistance.
So, here is man…his closet. He knows he can only wear one thing at a time. He is meant to wear these clothes because that’s what they are for after all! So, 3 pairs of trousers, 3 shirts, 3 ties is his ideal. And 3 pairs of shoes, bless him, one pair for the office, one pair for the gym (when he needs to escape wifey) and one pair of penguin slippers, a gift from wifey that he refuses to wear and feel he is ageing but he can’t throw away quite yet because he knows if he does, wifey will never let him forget it.
Then, there is the secret box…
And the secret box, bless his little cotton socks…
This is him clinging on to his sanity when he was a teenager and had an 80’s vinyl, a Pamela Anderson calender and could drink beer at the back in the park with his mates in his rainbow socks and be a rebel for one hot minute.
And what else is in that bottom shelf box? Maybe his first superman, his first plane, and maybe a photo of his first love, that wifey clearly hasn’t found yet. You see that box is his soul. It is the real him, though wifey wants him to grow the f’’k up!
When wifey expands her shoe obsession into the 3% territory, like the good chap that he is, taking the path of most peace, he packs the last of his sanity, a Santa jumper wifey bought him with a red nose on the ass, and his woolly hat and he makes a B line for the garden shed.
Ah the SHED, the ultimate in British male pride, the USA Man cave, the ONLY place in the house he can have to himself and do what he wants. Or at least until wifey finds there is space for her expanding shoe empire at the expense of one rusty old lawnmower he adores.
Hubby takes his little bag of clothes out, having emptied the 3% and pops them up on hangers in his garden shed beside his gardening gloves and rain hat? As he looks out of his window, toasting his ass on the BBQ heater and relinquishing all hope of a closet return, he notices the dog has more closet space. And not a damn Birkin in sight! I wish I was a dog, he mutters!
As he succumbs to the inevitable, he realises he has left a shirt in the closet. Then, he tip toes back into the closet, noticing wifey’s quick upgrade to 100% and all before his coffee cup even got cold. Oh nooooooooooo, WTF, he sighs, his pride and joy favorite shirt is missing…
What he says…
Approaching wifey gingerly in an inquisitive and fake friendly look, trying not to look too happy that he has all but moved into the shed…
Man: And where is my favorite blue shirt, darling,
Wifey: what shirt? You’ve a million and I’ve told you before, you need new clothes! You are an embarrasment, what must the neighbours be thinking!
Man: you know the shirt, the one with Superman cuffs that I love?
Wifey: oh that old thing, I cut it up for dusters last week, you know it gives such a good shine to the dining table. Now, be a good chap and close the door when you go out, it’s my night in with Clooney and my spicey pringles. You know this is when I like the sofa to myself! Can you fetch me some wine darling, be a good chap!
Wifey: oh, and those batman boxers, I threw them out too, looking like rags. I need to get you some new clothes. And you are not going out this weekend with that same jacket and give the neighbours something to laugh at.
Man: yes, darling
And what he really means…
Clearly, yes darling is not what he is actually saying, but more a:
Man: you stupid stupid stupid woman, that was my favorite shirt that the ladies loved in the office that got me lots of attention and made me feel normal. And you, you dumb ass woman, are whizzing by the house, polishing like a maniac for the millionth time in the day! I give up, I’m off out to the shed to look at Pam! And while I am at it, drool over George! My shed is out of bounds!
And wifey, clearly, unaware of his rants…
Wifey: now George, gosh, you are so sexy, if only I could be married to you, imagine all the shoes you could buy me!
And just when man was thinking he could escape to the shed, vacay times beckons.
10 minutes to pack. One t shirt, swimming trunks, flip flops, (oh and a pink flamingo for the pool with obligatory beer holder and arm rests to get away from wifey)! Job done.
One week to pack, 100 pairs of shoes, and hubby taking up the excess. Enough bikinis, dresses, tops to fill a new store. And sun hats the size of a satellite dish. In addition, a spare suitcase dedicated to make up, albeit, she doesn’t wear most of it.
Just as he thinks he can chill out in the hotel, wifey does the same 97/3% split in the hotel room closet and expanding onto terrace! As he dares to leave his speedos to dry outside, wifey catapults them into the depths of beyond. Why? Because they are blue, yes that blue again!
On the return flight, man’s pink flamingo ejected by wifey (in a moment of ‘why can’t you be like George) to make way for her new clothes she bought on vacay, not to mention her tour of airport still to come! Man carries. Man needs a holiday from the holiday. SHED, I miss you, he whispers to himself on the flight as wifey is navigating the aisles in big hat like a squirrel on speed.
Like a man’s empty box, that secret compartment he has in his head, minimalism and no shoe dusting are his joy! Functionality over fashion, flamingos over Fendi, and Pam over Prada. Let him have his space ladies. After all, he is the one who cleans the car mostly when you want chauffeuring, he is the one who cuts the grass, when you want to show off to the neighbours and he is the one who brings your wine when George is about.
And, closets? Well, he doesn’t give a hoot! Bless him!
Until next time, my little cupcake XO!
PS Lastly, make sure you check out:
How To Be Your Own Emily In Paris
How To Look 10 Years Younger Without Spending A Dime
- If you want to cosy up on the sofa with a good book and feel just that little bit happier about life, pop to the bookshop! What Would Carrie Do is my new Bridget Jones style comedy and a guaranteed dose of the happy vibes! Click here.
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If you’d love to learn how to plan your very first solo travel adventure, click here on Solo Travel Masterclass (launching in the Spring).
If You Like The Post, Also Check Out:
Traveling Alone: Top Tips From A Solo Travel Expert
Is Solo Travel Lonely? No. Here’s Why
The Secret Comedy Of The Airport Lounge
The Secret Life Of The Office Coffee Machine
And A ‘Wanderful’ Link…
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