It’s that time again, vacay!!! Yippetyooo…BUT…have you ever wanted to lasso a passenger by his ankles in the airport lounge and catapult him into the next state for being an annoying little duck? (D is the new F in this yawny world of political correctness lol)? Have you ever had someone so keen to get on a flight that he’s breathing down the back of your neck and almost sucking your hair through his nostrils like a Dyson reject? Have you ever found yourself muttering karma is one mother ducking beeatch and feeling proud she knows you’re a jolly good egg getting you to the front of the queue in jolly good time?
Welcome my little cupcake to the comedic world of the airport lounge, (and its seemingly calculating occupants).
As a seasoned traveler and solo travel pro, I’ve frequented many an airport lounge on my solo travel trails. With my ever so British punctual Polly persona, getting to the airport lounge well ahead of departure is part of my happy place not to mention the elation of heading to a new destination.
You see, the word lounge implies a time of unwinding and relaxation. And should you look up ‘lounge’ in the dictionary, you will find ‘a room in a hotel, airport, theatre, etc. where people can relax or wait’. Clearly, my little toasted crumpet, some haven’t read the memo or been paying attention in dictionary class in the first place!
And who could blame them! For one, the teacher hadn’t told us we’d be on an assault course going through airport security with the cries of ‘shoes off, laptops out, nooo liquids, including any expensive perfume you stupidly brought with you, and don’t ducking move until I damn well tell you’ to contend with.
Yes, the dreaded security check! Fun seems elusive my little pumpkin as you feel like a chicken on a conveyor belt on the way to roasting. And let’s not forget navigating 3 times through the metal detector at the dreaded ‘beep beep’ just to find out it’s a piece of defunct metal in your underwire bra!
But, with a few minutes of deep breathing, and some bra probing, a huge sigh erupts as you pat yourself on the back for even remembering your passport in the first place. You’ve made it! Halle-friggin-luja! Welcome to airport lounge!
Now the fun begins with things looking up as you spy a ‘hottie’ hoping he’ll be sitting next to you on the flight, (karma I’ve been well behaved all week, just saying…). After gathering up your possessions at the security desk, with hottie firmly in your peripheral vision, it’s time to circle duty-free like a pro. After a few sneaky sprays of Chanel, just in case hottie loves Coco, and a quick undereye of Crème De Mer, the only time you can afford such luxury, departure desk is beckoning.
At first fellow passengers seem rather calm and disciplined. A little too Switzerland me thinks. I’m impressed. Not even a toe out of place or the trace of a bag being used to mark one’s territory at the gate. And no child being told to get his elbows out. All is calm. Perhaps today is the day we can all behave…
But…and a big but…you can sense increasing tension. As time ticks on and departure imminent, elbow stretching begins and perching on the edge of the seats like Usain Bolt on his starting block.
So what’s up??? Human behavior and queues, that’s what! Given the hilarity of the obvious, the plane takes off at the same time for everyone, then it begs belief ‘ what’s the damn rush peeps?!
Suddenly, the tannoy sings out:
‘Ding dong…Good morning ladies and gentlemen, FLIGHT 241 to Venice is now boarding through Gate 44, please form an orderly queue with boarding pass and photo ID at the ready’. Those with seat numbers 1-30 will be checked in first’.
OMG noooooooooooo, not the Q word. And I don’t mean queenie! OMG. QUEUE. Big mistake. Why couldn’t they have said people gathering, or sociable line but not the Q word. You see, we humans don’t like to stand in a row. And who can blame us! You almost fall off the seat laughing as a hoard of Simone Biles impressionists vault to the desk to stake their claim using elbows, toes, and any stray trolley wheel to mark their spot.
As I sit patiently, laughing in appreciation of traveling, I can’t help but think of my own Ding Dong tannoy….
‘Good morning happy travelers, aren’t we all having fun on this fine sunny day. FLIGHT 241 to Venice is now boarding through Gate 44. Take a chill pill peeps and stroll extraaaaa slowlyyyyy to the desk. We are all civilized adults, boring I know but let’s form an orderly circle since we don’t like lines! And no we won’t be kumbaya’ing, not on my watch. Please have your boarding passes at the ready along with your sexy photo ID – I bet you wished you had combed your hair in that photo! And I’m delighted we have a very special announcement…whoever makes it onto the flight in the calmest fashion wins today’s prize, a cup of hot chocolate with the Captain and our piece de resistance, a free copy of our new inflight magazine, aptly named ‘Patience is a Virtue’. Happy travels my eager beavers and have a jolly good time. You deserve it after a year of lockdown, weight gain, and endless zoom meets in old PJ’s. And don’t worry, Karma is always watching you on this flight and you don’t want to ‘duck’ with her, now do you. Have a lovelyjubbly flight my wonderful peeps. And to the hottie I spy in the queue, come back soon, missing you already!’
Ding Dong over and out.
And there we have it. There are gems to be found everywhere my little strawberry shortcake and who needs Netflix when ‘Emily in Airport’ is in town. If you’re brave enough to step out of line and go straight to the front desk to ask a question or have created a traffic jam claiming your hand luggage is small but in fact, could carry a small plane, get ready to be huffed and puffed at. But like the pro that you are, smile knowing everything is always working out…karma put hottie beside you on the flight…:)))))))))))))))))))))
To be continued….LOL!
If you want to know how to plan your very first solo travel adventure, please click here on my new solo travel course to find out more. This is one-of-a-kind and a lifetime of knowledge and wisdom in one easy-to-follow course.
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